'Love · is · touching · souls" · - · Surely · You · Touched · Mine

Sitting in the airport is a most interesting experience. Every over inflated ego is battling each other for importance, because everybody is so angry these days. Nothing is fast or good enough for us, and I just want to go home. I could careless if the person in front of me cut me or if I miss my flight. I just want to land in Denver and feel like I always have; like maybe I wasn’t really ever born in Kansas City at all. Maybe it was all some sort of mistake.
Lovers make up about 85% of the people here. Missed lovers are coming home, or leaving to go home. Some are talking through cell phones of the glass wall between the boarding area and the rest of the world. Few are sitting next to each other, but those who are; they are beautiful. One of them is always stressed or maybe their loved one has passed away or is sick and they’re going home… but the second half is a comforting cradle. With a carefully placed hand, or the holding of an item it almost seems that one without the other would so delicately fall apart. It’s almost too beautiful to deal with. Sitting here in the boarding area, lap top in hand… not being loved but more importantly not loving anyone as much as I would like to I feel that twinge in the pit of my stomach.
Any lonely person knows what that means, it means you’re too fat, ugly, passive, fucked up to be loved and you are very close to wallowing in your own bad luck with a bucket of ice cream and a delectably comforting movie or television show. Your wickedly happy best friend is calling you to tell you that everything you believe isn’t true and someday a real life Mr. Darcy will jump straight from the page to sweep you off into a madness of love.
But it’s so beautifully untrue.
My foot is asleep and my skirt is ridding up. Maybe I’ll meet someone else who is lonely here someday and I will feel like I’m making progress. But the laptop is keeping my bare thighs warm. I faintly wonder if my battery is going to catch fire and renter me permanently blemished; possibly more tragic than I’ve already become.
Even I know I’m not as terribly tragic as I think I am. I am aware. But it doesn’t make any such feeling dissipate or cause my face to tug at the mouth. I am thinking of taking up knitting, to give up trying to love men and eventually they will come to me when they realize that I have in fact given their strong arms, lean hips, soft lips and rough hands up for a pair of knitting needles and yarn. Yeah, that’s exactly right. Fuck off you bunch of pricks.
I’ve been constantly thinking, and I’ve come to some pretty ridiculous ideas. Many of them aren’t worth mentioning but my flight is delayed because of thunder storms in Denver. This makes me think of Choke.
I think I’m choking. Really.

It's 2 am and I can't sleep. I can feel my own phlem dripping down my throat and I can't sleep. I keep trying to breathe deeper and think of white sheets of paper, because I think that maybe it's my mind that keeps me from sleeping but I just can't.

Stagecoach was on today... and I say why can't (in reality which I do dwell, although reluctantly and with much struggle) all the people in our world dress like Westerns? You know, the bad guys in all black and the good guys with nice heavely sun, music and of course the white cowboy hat: so then we know in advance who will screw us over and who will win our heart. Why can't we all just fit into those sterotypes... Stuck up wife of an Army Official, A drunk doctor, a notorious gambler, a hooker with a heart of gold, a stunning criminal with good intentions that you just love, a rebel marshall, a cowardly stagecoach driver, an angry criminal, a member of a "brotherhood" of criminal, a good indian, a bad indian or anyonee else that falls inbetween.

I knitted the main part of a purse today. it's really pretty. I'm knitting the strap right now... I need a word to put on the outside... Can't decide.

Joni Mitchell is the only person who makes me feel optimistic about affairs of the heart anymore.
Tell me again that I'm beautiful and that you'll never leave me... Oh wait, you can't because you're fucking gone.
I can't remember when we decided whose fault it was that we fell apart.
Was it me, when I had to have some time by myself to breathe and figure out who I was? Or when I pushed you away because I'm horrible for you? Or is it the cold way you treat me? Or the way we avoid eye contact? Or how you never call? Or how you didn't come to my birthday? Or how I could never really admitt that I was in love with you but I just handled it poorly? Or how I was right in the end, and you never really cared for me at all and now that you've realized that too- you've left? Or maybe it's just because one of us is avoiding the bigger picture...
The fact is... you said you'd never leave but it's not long after that proclaimation and you are so far gone right now, I don't even know you.
I don't know you.
And so few people know me now.

Somewhere it's raining, and I feel like parts of me are being evaporated to replace all that moisture.
Because I'm always holding a place for something or someone I could never fill.

I miss so many things but my heart is to heavy to actually care. I just want. I just want out.
Areli says I should never settle... I know I never will. ANd maybe that's why I think I might just never be happy or loved.
I guess the point is, I just want to love.
Loving is the best part, and the part I miss so desperately. I just want to fall, fall and fall for someone. Anyone.

But maybe it's because I consider the color of their spleen or the fluff of their lungs when I look at them: and they look into my eyes and they see my scalpla and they know. They know I ask for too much.

I guess the point is.
I'm going to be knitting quite a lot.
And I now realize how fragile friendships are and how people are so unforgiveabley evil. They give their hearts and promises away so easily.

I don't really have a lot of friends. Only people to walk down the hallway with or people to chat with.
But it's all meaningless- because my telephone hardly rings unless its a wrong number or its my parents.

Yes.
Maybe this really is the end.
Or maybe it's like a pergatory of time.

Take me home.
Take me home. And we can pray. And we can drink and smoke ciggs (even though I hate both). And we can laugh. And we can cry. And we can shag. And we can love. And for one moment I'll feel okay.

I'm dark and twisty.
I'm dark and twisty.
And I don't know what to say other than...
I'm dark and twisty.
And I'm twisiting for baggage that goes with mine...
But instead, I'm knitting.

Dark and twisty.

So today I decided, no more men.
I've taken a page out of Grey's Anatomy and started to knit.
Tonight, I sat down with an on going play of Harry Potter movies to occupy my frustration, and I taught myself how to knit.
Because now, knitting is replacing any emotional relationship I may want or feel like I need to have with a male.
When I feel lonely, I shall knit.
(Now this doesn't count drunken escapades because nothing but physicalness will come out of that... ha, come.)
So the yarn is like the man, and my knitting needles are like love and hate... and my final project (scarf, sweater etc) is my prize. The great thing is... I'll always get a prize. In some relationships, you get no prize... just the fact that there isn't ANYTHING anymore.
I want a prize.
That is why God gave me the gift of knitting.
I'm knitting a scarf, because I'm lonely.

In other news, I love Harry Potter.
I'm very ill but getting better. I should be sleeping but the high of successfully teaching myslef how to knit has yet to wear off. So I'm writing.

I think I'm going to start a HP club at school. I know, I'm a genius.

Maria: EMILY IS THE BEST, FUCK THE REST!

And Trent says, in response to my amazing Knitting gift;
WigglinHazer [12:13 AM]: emily you are a badass

Yes- it's true. And you wonder why I'm lonely? Boys don't like me. Seriously. Everyone says, you're amazing- we love you- I'd date you. But the truth of the matter is, nobody does date me. So I knit.
Maybe part of me believes that guys will unconsiously be attracted to the sign stimulus of knitting replacing their role in my life and they will flock to me, wanting what they think is off limits to them- even though most will never get my theory and relation of knitting and men/relationships in general.
See, i NEED knitting, look how I THINK!

I remember talking to Dionis about love and dating, before I got creeped out and ran away from him. I was so optimistic, and I still am... somewhere behind all the sad knitting. But I feel more like him now and I find myself wondering, sitting here naked (because i knit naked because it's a real relationship and if I'm comfortable being naked (physically and emotionally) with boys in a relationship I should be comfortable with my yarn and knitting needles) and I think that maybe he was so jacked up becuase it was his senior year and nothing looked amazing other than leaving. And nothing else looked promising and he felt like maybe love was just a joke. He didn't, but maybe he felt like he did because it was his senior year.
Maybe him and I are more a like than I would like to admitt. I miss him. In a sort of psudo regret kind of way. I wonder if I would of been more 'dateable' than maybe he wouldn't of felt the need to freak me out with the word 'love' and 'you' in the same sentance.

I digress...
I'm the knitting master. So fuck off men.

Does anyone want to have coffee over my amazing knitting skills? We don't have to call it a date...

It has been a while.

But I'm back. So hooray.
Schoool sucks and I can't wait to leave and go to CU.

Yes, I'm still as silly as ever.

Further more- I think I may be ridiculous.

My last journal entry is where I'm at right now- only I'm not pinning over Eric anymore. It took me the summer, but I've gotten back to ground level again.
I've given up boys and taken up knitting in the hope that boys will flock to my knitting skills and aloofness.
Eh?

Scholarships, school, COLLEGE and Harry Potter pretty much rule my time. God's been expecially amazing to me lately. I must be doing something right.

What's it like to live in a fishbowl you ask?
Like you're sufficating in your own damn bubbles and all you want to do is curl up in your kelp and pray for the day they clean out your tank. But other than that, its nice to chase the reflection of who you aught to feel like.

Meh.

It's raining.
I've been sick the past week.
But I don't feel like I ever want to get better.
It's raining tonight and I want so badly to go and sit in the rain, but I'm terrified I'll start crying and then I'll never be able to stop. Funny it is, the feelings I've caught the past weeks.
I'm house sitting for 2 weeks or so in June for my Aunt, she's going to Ireland with her husband.
I don't have much to say to anyone these days. It's funny, knowing your words are meaningless. I hate it when people talk when they really have nothing to say- but it seems I've become one of those people.
Today would of been a good day to fall in love. Or out.
I feel more like an island as the weeks go by. All I want to do is get out.
It's strange how many people really couldn't give a damn about me... people are interesting liars.
I want to run away.
I had a chat with God, he said I should stay and that I should stop procrastinating my heart and get on with this whole soul tie buisness.
Kelsey Strange was right, there is not a bit of hope in letting go so I might as well hang out.
I think it is stupid of me to care so deeply about people, even thought I feel as if I'm not aloud too.
But I guess I'm really aloud to do as I please.
I think loneliness is what happens when you have fallen, and it's not your choice. I feel more than loneliness, because I've chosen this island.
I am beginning to hate those I love, and worry about them constantly in my heart and mind. But it is obvious that they are doing wonderful without me. Maybe that is exactly why my heart feels like I'm poking it with a biopsy gun repeatedly.
I'm a silly girl.
Somedays I forget to breathe.
The Lord has been showing me a lot lately, I don't know what I am supposed to do with it all... so I just keep it stored with me.
Does anyone know what it's like to bleed properly?
It is funny how often my tongue betrays me.
I wish only to get through.
I feel like Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice, only I have no Mr. Darcy but plenty of pessimistic animosity for love.
I just want to drive, and keep driving until I can't recognize where I'm at- where I'm going or where I have been before.
I would like to forget.
I was blessed the other day, I'm been wanting to tell someone but no one seems in the slightest bit interested. He gave me the gift of tongues in prayer the other day, I cried because I'm getting gifts that I have been praying to desperating for. I feel like I don't deserve the gift of tongues, but I have it now.
I want to share it... but I'm not strong enough for a battle I can not possibly win.
I've been fighting too much for my own good, and my gloves are tired of my black eyes.
I have also been compelled to think about being beautiful lately, but I've yet to claim that urge completely. I often wonder what people see when they look at me, if I really look the way I think I look or if I'm just biased in both good and bad features of mine. I want to see what they see, I've longed to see what Ellen Rucker sees in me. Althought some Wed. nights she hugs me longer and I can feel the pity in her arms, it strangles me. I think she can feel the pain inside, even though I can not put a finger on what it is... let alone how to fix it.

I'm slightly pathetic.
And my eyes are terribly tired.
Sleep is disturbing, my dreams are troubling me more that normal. I can't get away from them. Mr. Hatfield would say my shadow is stirring. I just want it all to stop.

The thunder has stopped and so has my fancy to write.
I've also decided to spend some of my life in London.

Things have been quiet around here lately.
I'm in Co for the break- I've been just existing for a while.
We were in Breckenridge and I realize how much I miss being okay.
I miss being okay, but I think I'm getting more okay than before.
It's not as bad- it will never go away but it will get better. I still wonder a lot and the memories haunt me but that's okay right? Because things happen.
Glynos asked me to prom, we'll be going together. I need to find a dress.
I've been doing a lot of praying lately, just really spending alot of time with God. Trent and I are reading the Bible before we graduate, I've drawn up a schedule for us to keep to. SO hooray.
HP rocks.
My mom and Brian are a mess- breaking up and getting back together and drunkness and what have you.
I'm not sure how much longer I can take it.
But who cares.
I want so badly to get out, start over... just leave and try and forget all the horrible feelings. Too bad it will never happen like that.
Friendship wise things have been getting better... maybe it's because I'm too tired to push so hard.
I ended up really screwing things up with Dionis, I guess I just couldn't pull things together. It's probably for the best anyway.
I'm a mess.
I didn't get cast in Mid-Summer, but I really want to focus on Tech I think it will be a really good opportunity for me.

---
There is 2 feet of snow here. Yippie. Trent and Austin are going to try and come up tomorrow, I hope they make it.
I've been in an odd mood lately.
I just want so badly for things to be okay. Ya know? And they will be, I guess everybody makes mistakes and things get better.
I want to get a job, but my mom isn't too keen on the idea. Oh well.
--
I'm off to bed.

So I'm watching Grey's Anatomy... and I realize, that I can't remember our last kiss. I'm sitting there thinking, really thinking about how last kiss- when we were happy. I've just been sitting here thinking... and it just flooded back to me.
It was a Sunday I think... You were leaving the next morning and you had something to do that night and soccer games during the day. I promised Logan that I would go see a movie with him and you being amazing accepted that Logan was my friend and needed some time with me... Saturday night I was so upset that I wouldn't be able to see you on Sunday. Earlier that day, I went and bought you a cell phone for your car- just in case of emergencies. Ya know? And I stopped by your house, and left it there for you because I didn't think i would be able to see you.
You showed up, shirtless... sweaty and red and you just wanted to see me before you left even if you had to hurry home. You held my hand because the rest of you was really nasty, and you kissed me quickly many times. You told me that you loved me and that you were going to miss me and that we would spend so much time together when we got back. And for me not to worry, you then complained that I bought you a gift... even though you didn't know what it was. You held both my hands and kissed me then said that you would see me later.

---
That was the last time we were happy. I watched you drive away, talked to you on the phone that night... and you called me when you left the next morning. I believed that you loved me... and that makes me a fool. See I came home and I thought we were happy, and we kissed then.... but we weren't happy. You weren't.
See, I don't want to be with you anymore. I don't. You've changed and it's all just different now and I don't think it would ever happen, the Lord told me to let you go. I guess it's more that just being with you. I guess it's just FEELING like I didn't waste my time. I mean, I know I didn't. I know that we all love eachother for a reason and there is a reason why I loved you and why you didn't love me. I know I didn't waste my time because God put me there for a reason. But I DON'T FEEELLLL it.
I don't feel it.
I mean, i feel pain. And I have a habit of liking pain because it makes me feel alive and like i'm doing something right... or something I just know that i hate to let go.
BUT GOD IS SMACKING ME UP SIDE THE HEAD! I know what I need to do... I don't know how but I know my goal.... but I don't feel like i want to do it or that it will never happen even though I know it will. It's stupid but it's the way it is.
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I know that the Lord WANTS my heart. My heart, my little and weak heart. He wants it more than anything in the world. Not only my heart but everybody's but the fact that he told me... he told me he wanted my heart.
Strange things have been happening to me, people have been telling me how amazing I am... how attractive they find me... All these strange things from people who i would never expect it from... and I realize that it was God showing me that I'm worth it. I've been feeling so unlovable lately. And God was just trying to show me that I was being stupid.
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It's strange... people... they amaze you. You want them so badly to just care. To just be like, hey you want to hang out... you want to go to the grocery store with me... or something stupid like that... and yet it it matters so much. And even if they are lying to you... you still want them to say that, or do something to prove that they care. It's insane. Why do we have this affinity towards some people? Why do we want certain people to care more? And more to the point- why do certain people find the incapacity to care? It just amazes me. Why do we put ourselves through companionship, not only with lovers but with friends?
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Emily, sing me something sweet.
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In other news... I kind of have this crush on this guy. One problem, I don't find him attractive. i don't find him unattractive, but he doesn't trip my trigger. Maybe it's because I don't know him all that well but... I don't know. The only other problem is that we are both in love with someone else, which could be good and it could be bad on the same front. I'm not really pushing the situation, but I like it. It feels nice under my skin.
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You think I'm hott... And although it boosts my self esteem, it freaks me out.
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Four day weekend.
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Is Wed. here yet?

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In other news, I looked pretty on Saturday. Did you notice? I got a care package from nancy, I freaking love her.

*****************
I should be off to bed. I think I will be.
I kicked the ACT's ass, it felt like I did at least. So hooray.
Nancy is amazing.
And Ben Wendt is amazing.

The Lord came out me tonight and told me to hug a freaking tree and wake up.
After church, this woman whom I've never really talked to before came up to me... and was like "I feel like i need to tell you something, like God really wants me to share this with you. I feel like God wants to do something really great with you, but for something reason there is something standing in the way. I feel like, and if I'm wrong just tell me because I wish I knew waht the Lord wanted to do with you but I just feel like it's you so much. I feel like there is some unhealthy attachment you have, that is just holding you back and keeping your heart hostage... and I feel like it's some sort of sexual thing. Satan loves to crawl into our hearts with selfdestruction and chaos... especially into women. And I just want you to put it up on the alter. Just pray for the Lord to wipe you clean. Sometimes you put it up there and it just keeps coming back over and over again... and you just have to keep putting it back up there on the alter and really giving what you are holding onto up. The Lord wants to do something wonderful with you, I can just feel it. The Holy Spirit just shook me tonight when I heard you singing, and the passion and pain on your face... how your body just screamed of something that I couldn't explain... God wants to do something amazing with you, I wish I knew what it was so I could give you more. Please keep coming here to this church, because for some reason i feel like your release will be here. Maybe it's because I feel like he holds you back even here, even when worshiping- i can feel him holding you back who ever he is. But I also feel like this is the place to just face it and give it to the Lord. But just let him go. Just let him go and let God have free reign."

Talk about God just coming down and slappin me in the face... Get out of my way Emily, I want to something amazing with you. It is so crazy that the Lord his me with one stone... He just comes in when i've hit pretty close to rock bottom and told me- let me take it, let me take care of it so that I can makes something absolutely beautiful out of you. I have never felt God come down on me like that. It was beautiful, and I just stood there shocked. She was all worried that she was wrong or that she had offended me... but I finally was just like "No, you are absolutely right... you are so right."

The Lord is telling me to let you go. I don't think I can. Tonight's sermon though, ironically was about the Lord telling you to do something and you doing it because he has a plan and he will never tell you to do something you can not do. Matt talked about God's convo with Moses... "You want me to do what? Build a boat... okay I guess... AND WHAT!.... Two of each kind eh?... What about cats?... Cats too eh?.... Hmm. You're crazy Lord, but I got your back."
So I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, but I'm just going to lay Saturday night and Eric down at God's alter and I'm not going to take it back with me. I'm not going to. I'm going to fight it until all I can feel is the spot it used to take up and the feeling of the Holy Spirit lifting me and filling that spot. I know I'm going to miss Eric, I know I will but the Lord needs me and He is my deliever and the only man or person in my life that can truely deliever me from myself.

I have no idea where I'm going... I don't feel great, I don't feel relieved but I'm going. I just going to go and give myself to the Lord because the Lord needs my love more than Eric does.
"My deliever is coming, my deliever is standing by."
Eric has my heart, but he can't anymore. i want him to but it's not about what I want because all I should want and need is the Lord. The Lord needs my heart, and he needs me bcause he loves me more than anyone ever could. Maybe Dad was right, no one can love me like I love them... but the Lord.
"If you were art, I'd worship you."
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Lord ignore my aching heart... I pray with everything in me that you will just take all this Satan and all this longing away from me. Take this burden that is keeping me from your amazing wealtha nd wonder. Lord, I'm so tired to being held back by myself and I am asking... telling you that I am done with it... i wanna give it to you and only serve you. I don't know how Lord. I have no idea but I know you will come to me with some light like you did tonight. I asked for a sign to tell me that Eric will never love me like I love him and you delievered even though I didn't deserve it. The ability for me to see you through this stranger tonight was just absolutely amazing. I can not thank you enough for loving me... and saving me... and being something so amazing. I love you and I got your back.
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If I told you I was afraid of the dark... would you be my candle and sit beside me through the night and I will be your Lady Macbeth.

"And you hide it every night, you bury it in a bottle, but it doesn't go away and every bottle can only hold so much. And it doesn't make a difference, doesn't change anything, doesn't make you feel any better or any less like you're making the biggest mistake of your life. And you can't even think, you can't really even function, and even the things that should make you feel wonderful just make you remember how much better things used to be. And you're resigned to it, and you've been resigned to it, but that doesn't mean you hate it any less.

And when you start to hate it, you realize that it's the only time you've managed to feel anything in weeks.

And you could probably save it, but you're not going to. You don't know where to start and even if you did, you wouldn't have the strength. You're empty and finally, after all these years, when things are actually going to work out, you've got nothing left - nothing but the strength to keep lying, because you hold on to what you have and all you've got is the chance to keep it from hurting any more than it already does.

And nothing really makes a difference when you're surrounded by people you don't give a shit about and when the only thing you really want, and maybe need, is probably the only thing you don't have. (But you used to.) And you can't do much of anything with yourself because it all requires an effort you can't seem to put forth, and the only thing you really want to do is sleep, which doesn't make sense because you hate it. And you can't even do that unless you drink until you pass out and the fact that you don't remember anything doesn't even bother you anymore.

And you start to realize that you should probably have said yes a little more, but you've always been a negative person and thus far, it's served you pretty well. At least that's what you tell yourself when you're empty, when the only thing that really has served you well is definitely not your negativity and definitely not where you'd like it to be. But proximity was always trivial to you because you've spent years trying to convince yourself, and everyone else, that you don't need a fucking thing except what you can give yourself. And you're starting to realize that you haven't been right about too many things (except the one you've just destroyed), and you want to have the balls to change it, but you're too much of a pussy and you're too fucking proud to admit it.

And it all boils down to the fact that you can't imagine dying beside anyone else."

--------------------------------------------
I had a migrane today, spent the day at home. Slept all through until about 3:30. Logan came by to drop off a ring pop to make me feel better. He's sweet.
I get my hair done tomorrow. Scary.
I'm terribly tired, but as Sam says... we stay up anyway.
Trig is stressing me out hard core.
Weekend is fast approaching.
My Friday is open after 5. Sat. I have an ACT prep in the morning until 11 then I'm free all day... Anyone want to join me to dress shop? Definately doing something with Kyla that night because she doesn't have to work. Hopefully both days I will be dutifully inebriated. Maybe chillin' with Dionis, but who knows. Logan definatly wants to hang out- and I would love to spend sometime hanging out with Jordan sometime this weekend. Then I have church on Sunday and LOTS AND LOTS of homework that I really need to do no matter how much I tell myself that I don't need to.
Tenor is going really really well. I need to find a nightie for the show. I also need to talk to Mike about Sweetheart and all that jazz.
I'm off to bed.
[Did you know I miss you?]

One Acts were good.
Hooray.
Asia and I were funny- our whole one act was really funny.
Logan came.
Jordan and Eric came.
Her and I have been getting alone alright. It's kind of weird, she'll do or say things that seem like we are really good friends. I just hate the fact that we don't talk outside school, I have no idea what is up in her life... and she keeps talking about moving out of her house and into Sophie's, and all I can think about is how that could of been me ya know? Am I so easy to replace? I guess so.
You and I have been good.
Except for when your sister told me that she always wanted me to be her sister in-law... or when she said she was sorry for you being such a jerk... or when she said you haven't been happy since we split or when she said you never hang out with her anymore and you are mean to her... or when she said that your parents (prolly just your mom) thinks that you are so stupid for letting me go. Except for that, it's all okay.
Merideth said it best... "I lied, we aren't just friends. At least not to be we aren't."
No matter what, we will always be something more- no matter your feelings.
So yeah, you suck for never loving me.
Logan and I have been fine. It's all so damn confusing.
Mike is date to Sweetheart. = ) I love him soo overwhelmingly much.
I need to buy a dressssss.
Hmmmm.
Lauren Arthur rocks my little socks off.
<3
Hey let's go back in time.
The sad thing is... her asking me where the dress werehouse is makes me a little happy.
The sadder thing is... when he looks at me, i still smile with my heart and my tummy turns.
Yeah... they're great.
I'm just not good enough.
But I'm not going anywhere.
HP here i come

Memories that poped into my head/heart today.
+ Singing folk songs in the car with Lauren after Joseph (I could drink, a case of you...) and being so happy to be a traitor.
+ Wave length.
-/+ You with my down comforter, stark naked... with this blissful look of complete happiness on your face, and a goofy ass smile that was so contagious.
- Not being able to look at me when you told me you were never in love with me.
+ Justin's graduation, riding in the car and your whole family being pissed at you and me. And your brother Jacob calling us lesbians because we were holding each other's hands.
+ The evening in Glynos' car when I just sat there and cried and talked and realized what an amazing guy was sitting next to me.
-/+ When Mike called me today to tell me that he just wanted to talk to me and it reminded me of Si.
- The message letting me know my therapist had passed away.
+ Lauren's inspiring words "You just got to play. Play makes it real."
-/+ When you called crying, telling me you found the picture frame I gave you and how you felt like you needed to appreciate me more and you were so sorry that you hadn't been. And that you really did love me.
+ Omaha zoo with Jo, 100 degrees and brilliantly fun.
+ KC zoo with you, also 100 degrees and terribly sweet.
+ My 16 birthday present(s) from Jo.
- Not being needed.
-/+ Analyzing myself into being unattractive and unpersonable.
+ Areli and her mom... they are so amazing. Areli is my soul mate. Klenex's and Mexican advice...
+ You and I running through the rain.
- Migranes and my foolish behavior in Tenn.
+ When one of us were sick... and we'd just hold each other watching black and white movies on AMC and being happy.
+ When Jo came straight to my house to rescue me... all those times between you and him.
+ Eating lunch at the fast Chinese place with Christine one half day last year.
+ This silly moment in Bio last year, when you snuck over and whispered in my ear that you really just wanted to hold my hand all day today.
- Him telling me that our relationship is abusive.
+ Praying with you. Praying with the people at church.
+ Nick Glynos' honesty- at least what I thought was his honesty.
-/+ You calling me and telling me you loved me... I thought having waited a year and a half that you might of really ment it.
+ Naming my dog Conrad.
+ Dancing with Midori at Radius, and all the rediculous shit that went down that night.
+ You singing/playing "Firefly" in your basement... for me.
- Misconceptions.
+ Being called beautiful, and believing it.
- The stupid game.
+ My date with Kyla Pratt
- How I was always such a failure at saying goodbye when I needed to the most, and I just came out bitchy and emotional... you deserved much more that all that.
+ Homeroom 8th grade, damn we thought we were so bad ass.
+ Sunday's with Trent.
+ Harry Potter.
- Your creek, the history channel, that 70s show, MASH, Casablanca and many other movies.
+ The little things.
- My pathetic-esque last 6 months.
+ Something Corporate's concert.
+ Any concert with Ben Wendt!!
+ Freshman and Sophmore year, and the summer's before-after and in-between; as Jordan Cannon's best freaking friend. We were definately bad ass.
- Knowing... but not feeling.
-/+ Being numb from the pain and from this stupid self-destructing survival mode.
-/+ Being in love.

---------------------------------
lolarules2 (11:13:47 PM): emily, STOP
EmoRoughDraft (11:15:50 PM): Stop what? Stop listening to his message that he left me tell me to get better? Stop crying over the fact that everything I did wasn't enough to fall in love with? Stop pretending that I'm okay with Jordan pretending I don't exist? Stop knowing that no matter how hard I try he will always be more than a friend to me and I merely a mistake to him? Stop freaking out about what to do about Logan? Stop drinking to forget?
lolarules2 (11:16:20 PM): yes.
EmoRoughDraft (11:16:30 PM): I don't know how.
----------------------------------
I know everything there needs to be known about trying to move on and falling out of love. But I don't FEEL any of those reasons. I know everything will be okay and there is a person out there that will make me so happy... but it doesn't FEEL like there is. I struggle with that. A lot. I know people are there for me, but it doesn't FEEL like some of them are.
----------------------------------
Do we spend all of our life trying to replace people? To replace the gaps that the people who have shaped our lives have left? Do ever acheive our goal?
----------------------------------
I wanna be addicting... you know? I want to be with someone who can't get enough of me just sitting or talking or looking or doing nothing.. just existing. And i want to be addicted.
I want the little things back damnit.
Someone once asked me if all the pain was ever worth it... I wanna say yes again. I WANT TO SAY YES AGAIN!

So we talked.
And we are talking now.
Civil and it's tearing me apart.
But you believe it, and this is what you want.
How am I supposed to believe that everything you said is what you truely feel? Who the hell was that in the car with me?
But it's over. And it's been over for you.
I don't think it ever really started.
You were never in love with me... and probably never loved me.
I was stupid to fall for you.
I am still stupid.
But it's cool kids, because I try and smile when I see you (it's easy because you still set my heart on fire).
You called me to see if I was feeling better, left a message. I can't bring myself to delete it.
This bitter sweet shit sucks.
I fucking love you.
And I hate you.
All i wanted you to say was "I'm in love with you, but I can never be with you." At least... you know.
But it didn't happen.
I wasn't good enough.
Dad was right in this case... I just hope his prediction doesn't become truth.
Jodran and i are always on thin ice.. and everyday I pray that things will go back to some form of normal.
It's hardest to realize that certain people won't ever be on your recent calls list anymore.
I miss her. It's hard to see yourself replaced, I wonder if she feels that way about me. She's amazing but I never even get a chance to fail... I fail before I'm even given the chance.
I drink because I want to forget.
Forget I ever loved you.
Forget how you made me feel.
Forget all the people I've hurt, especailly you and her.
Forget how she doesn't look or talk to me the same anymore.
Forget how it all felt on my skin.
Forget the small mistakes that mounted into an explosions of nothingness.
Forget the game.
Forget the joy and the pain that comes with it's missed presense.
Forget the smiles and the laughter.
Forget Copeland.
Forget the memories.
Forget the way it flet to be needed.
Forget the way it felt to be unreplacable.
Forget the tears.
And most of all,
Forget the unhappiness that I can not fix.

Drink up. Especially to SOCO.
--------------------------------------
Your grand dad left home for the circus
He was young just like me,
with hope to explore
He married a girl in Virginia
She could swing the trapeze,
they could sleep on the floor

Your mother was born in December,
on the one sunny day that winter gave up
With warm summer eyes that flickered like fireflies,
and she stared at the world

So why do you leave these stories unfinished,
my Cheshire cat doorstop with tears in your eyes?
And why do you look when you've already found it?
And what did you find that would leave you walking by?

She was raised in a New England village
Then she moved to LA with her firefly stare,
and you loved sunset strip when it sparkled
You grew up and you sparkled, but why don't you care?

And why do you leave these stories unfinished,
my Cheshire cat doorstop with tears in your eyes?
And why do you look when you've already found me?
And what did you find that would leave you walking by?

And these nights I get high just from breathing
When I lie here with you I'm sure that I'm real
like that firework over the freeway
I could stay here all day but that's not how you feel

So why do you leave these questions unanswered?
The circus awaits and you're already gone
My Cheshire cat doorstop with fear in your smile,
what makes it so easy for you to be walking by?
And what did I do that you can't seem to want me?
And why do we lie here and whisper goodbyes?
Where can I go that your pictures won't haunt me?
What makes it so easy for you to be walking by?
Walking by
------------------------------------
I wanna skip this part.
Please, just take me away.

As I realized I had no one to sneak off to call on Christmas day during the family escapade... as I layed in my living room realizing that the person I was talking on the phone with wasn't exactly the voice I needed to hear, and that I couldn't do a damn bit about it...
Yes that is Christmas. That is the Holidays.
Oddly enough, I'm just kind of bitter now.
Sad and bitter have kind of mixed themselves together. I guess I'm now just angry with myself for giving up so much for someone who didn't love me like I loved them. It was foolish. I'm more mad at myself than I am at you.
I mean seriously, you suck for not talking to me when I need to just talk. I'm not going to be "preachy" and I certainly know that you know exactly what you want... I'm just used to knowing what that was I guess. Anyway, point is... really bitter at myself. I'm more just sad that this ENTIRE event ever occured.
I wish I could just erase every memory of feeling in love with you, so I wouldn't miss it as much. Ya know? Because I'm pretty sure you're not the same person I have fallen in love with. So that's okay I guess. Depressing but alright.
I'm going to figure out how to fall out of love with you. I am. I refuse to go on like this, it is just dumb. Seriously, no one should EVER have to go through this. I'm going to figure out how to fall out of love and then I'm going to write a book, so EVERYONE can know how to pull themselves out of a hole like this. Even if they have digged it themselves.
In other words, fuck this. I'm not quite sure why I'm not falling out of love with you. Because I truely want to, truely I do. Pastor Matt says it's because God has a plan for the love I have for you. That there is a special reason for this unreturned love and that I shouldn't worry about it.
But man I need a sign. Which is selfish of me to ask at all, but I am. I need a sign, I need some direction of where to go and what to do.
I also don't know what to do about this boy. This boy who is in love with me and I used to be in love with him... but now I think of his actions, that I can't be in love with him anymore. But he does some really weird and discusting things that make me never want to be around boys ever again. To make it worse, it's an on going problem and the only person who really made me feel any better about it was you. And it would be slightly weird if I just called you up "Hey babe, I know you don't love me anymore and we're all angry and shit but would you help me out like you used to because this whole thing is really freaking me out and even after all this time you're still the only person who really makes the nightmares and the feeling of nothingness go away."
Yeah, how about NO!?!
Anyway, New Years should be fine. No getting drunk for Emily, none. Because that is just bad news, but I do plan to just sip. Mixed drinks love are not as bad as I think they are. No shots for Emily. Maybe Lauren and I will just sip on our beer and let all the world melt away with our "deep, intellectual conversations about shit". OH yes.
I hope everybody had a very merry Christmas.
On a second note, your mother did the sweetest thing... again. We were saying things or people to pray about. Vickie Kistler said "Emily's heart." then your mom said "And that the person who broke it will realize what he is missing".
I cried so hard. Man, it's just hard. But I got this, I really do. NO one worry. Because seriously, I'm not going to do this anymore. I have a mission to fall out of love and if I'm really meant to not fall out of love with you then God will stop me.
Anyway, lines to memorize. Hooray. I'm Diana in "Lend Me A Tenor".
I hope everyone enjoyed my Christmas cards.
I'm in Iowa right now, I'll be come sometimes Thursday. Let's do something crazy like dance and solve all our problems in two seconds by throwing our hands up, as well as our glasses and pretending that our hearts were never involved with life.
Areli: How's your heart?
Me: Broken. But seriously, who needs one? Hearts are so over rated.
; )
A good friend of mine always says, God is the most important man in your life so just don't worry about it too much.
"To sodomy. It's between God and me. To S&M."
So anyway... let's hold hands and grow old. Let's drink and write songs. Let's self destruct. Let's dance and rub noses. Let's lay in bed. Let's stand outside and learn the stars. Let's lay on swinging benches and make mix tapes. Let's drive around in cars and talk for hours. Let's do everything that gets me through the day. Let's make it easier to wake up love. Let's do anything to make this better. Let's just make fun of each other and giggle. Let's make out and run in the rain. Let's cry and pray. Let's just live, because this is such an interruption to my life.
Yes, does it make you said that I'm calling your and interrruption? Or more sad that I'm just making it up to make myself feel better?
I <3 forgetting.
New Years Resolution: Fall out of love, find peace, secure my internship, make decisions on college, find solid friends, get skinny, and of course forget.
Forget the love, the feeling, the boy, the amazingness, the sacrifice, the pain, the need, the sadness, the tears and the laughter.
Because I don't know what to do. Ya know? HOw do you live with all those things babe? How do you do it, please share your secret because I'm dying to know.
In the end. I hope things all work out.
Please for the sake of everyone, go out and get drunk on New Years. Let all your cares wash away with the ringing in of 2006. Just let loose. (not going to lie though, if you drink I will rip you a new one- only because of all those lectures and then I will affirm my theory that you are not the boy i fell in love with because you've changed.)
P.S.- How do I know which side of you is true? The one I fell in love with or the new one? Oh and do you still love me or what is up?
P.P.S.- WAKE ME UP with love.

I'm sad.
See, I drink because there's this period when you're drunk when everything is okay. When no matter what I say and what I do, it will be forgiven. There is this moment when I'm are just free, from responsibility and from trying to make people happy. I don't know what to do, to make me happy.
My issue is... that I have all this joy in my heart, all this amazing holy spirit, and the only person that I have a drive to share it with.... doesn't want to have it. And when you have too much of a good thing, like the Joy of the Lord, and you can't let it out... you can't be free, then it goes sour. When I'm drunk, I'm free. I can tell everybody I'm in love with you and no matter if you love me or not, I still love you. Because it's not crazy when I'm drunk.... it's not pathetic when I'm drunk... It's just me being blunt and intoxicated. But I can't be free, you know? I have to put on my happy face.... when all I want to do is lay under the Christmas tree and watch the lights and cry and pray. If I don't pretend, I'm just like this horrible sickness that infects everyone around me.
I am method acting through my life.
But you looked miserable, and I just snapped you know? You looked so sad and to know that I didn't know why, and I couldn't find out and that I couldn't help... it just made me want to die inside? I just wanted your face to fade away.
I hate the fact that when I see you, I still get butterflies and I smile because just seeing you makes me happy. Then I remember that I don't make you happy and that you probably don't love me anymore.
The Holidays, especially Christmas make me want to spend time with the people I love. I can't though. I can't spend time with you.
~
For anyone who doesn't know, I got pretty drunk Saturday night and said some really horrible things to some really amazing people. Also finding a way to tie EVERYTHING back to Eric. Mostly crying about how and I loved that boy and blahbahblah. It was amusing for those watching I suppose. The moral of the story is, I'm not drinking when I'm sad. The limit is one shot, just to take the edge off. Because I drank about 8oz. of vodka and some shots of tequila last night on an empty stomach in 15 minutes. Yeah... I was drunk and I kept refering to Eric in every way I could think of. I'm sad and I know it. It was a fun time had by mostly everyone. But seriously, I'm sorry if I hurt you in anyway; I'm very sorry.
~
In other news, I'm dead tired. I have yet to do homework and I'm thinking about writing a book when this is all done about how to fall out of love with someone, because as SOON as I find out the secret... I want to share it with everybody who feels like I do right now.
~
Like a Saturday night I'll be gone
Like a Saturday night I'll be gone
Before you knew that I was there

So you wrote it down
I'm supposed to care
Even though it's never there
Sorry if I'm not prepared
Is it hard to see the things you substitute
For me and all my thoughts of you
It's eating me alive to leave you

Maybe it's childish and maybe it's wrong
But so is your blank stare in lieu of this song
Maybe it's childish and maybe it's wrong

Don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me, you're leaving me in lieu of this song
Don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me, you're leaving me in lieu of this song

I'm breathing in your skin tonight
Quiet is my loudest cry
Wouldn't wanna wake the eyes that make me melt inside
And if it's healthier to leave you be
May a sickness come and set me free
Kill me while I still believe that you were meant for me

I'm finding my own words, my own little stage
My own epic drama, my own scripted page
I'll send you the rough draft, I'll seal it with tears
Maybe you'll read it and I'll reappear
From the start it was shaky and the characters rash,
A nice setting for heartache where emotions come last
All I have deep inside, to overcome this desire
Are friendly intentions and fairweather smiles

And I don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me, you're leaving me in lieu of this song
Don't wanna be, don't wanna be wrong
You're leaving me, you're leaving me in lieu of this song

Like Saturday night I'll be gone
Like Saturday night I'll be gone
Like Saturday night I'll be gone
Like Saturday night I'll be gone before you knew that I was
there

A short story if you wanna read.( Here )

~~~

In other news.

Mr. Whitney freaked out at me. Almost made me cry, and slammed a rolly chair across the room. Scarey.
Jaussy went to meet Eric, shook his hand and told him he must be a very wonderful person or something like that, there was a rumor she slipped my name in there but I doubt it.
DISTURBING images of boys and their surface level of respect for women... it just makes you wonder what they think about me. I'm not hot, so they must think horrible things. You know? Boys are disturbing and sad... what's more sad and disturbing though is that I am in love and will always be in love with at least one of these boys in my life, and BREED with them.

It's snowing like crazy. I love it.
Reminds me of other snowdays. (Remember when you loved me?)
I love the way it looks before anyone steps in it.
And of course, the smelll of snow.
Wanna make a snow angel?

~~~

Christmas is so close... I can almost taste it.
Finals, too close. = (

I'm awful tired though.
Hey have you heard of the new disease? It's got a hold of me, so don't get too close or it might catch you too. Cover your hearts, gauged out your eyes and rubber cement your mouth because it's everywhere.
~

I love you Areli Gil.

~

Things with her are rocky but not too horribly bad. Still not what we had, maybe never again. But the summer was the best. You know? I miss that.

I miss alot of things, not only with her but with you too.

Remember when I used to say... wish on as many snowflakes as you can and we'll have a snowday. Remember when I made you stay up to watch the snow because it's good luck. Remember when I used to make you wish on double numbers... yeah. I think you liked my dorkiness. Remember when I made you trek to my house so you could hold me and make me feel loved in the snow. Man, I sure do.

Let it snow, let it snow... let it SNOW!

~

I kind of love you. But please, there are only a few who have seen it happen.
~

I always wanted a ring.... one that really ment something. Something solid, that people could ask who gave it to me, and I could smile and say "Someone amazing" and think about why it's on my hand. Yeah. Like, a ring to say that they'd always love me no matter where we were or if we even liked each other anymore.
~

My Christmas list is pretty bare.

~

Cirque Du Soleil is amazing. (Yeah, I know you hate it but I'm not buying them for you. But if we were together, would you of comewith me?)

~

HEY IT'S A SNOW DAY! SO LET'S FREAKING DANCE!

~

Do you wanna be my prince? It would make more like a princess, and not like a toad.
~

Let's erase our memories! Dammnit I love you.

I wish I could tell you that i feel better. But I don't really. I do know that I'm struggling to find peace.
So I love you with all my heart, but I really don't like you right now.
You are just being hurtful. I called Walker to see what everybody was doing we talked for a bit, there were some awkward pauses and I got the feeling he didn't want me to come over so I said "Is there someone who doesn't want me over there, it's okay Walker... you can tell me?" And he said "Yeah." Then he said he would call me if they did anything.
They played poker, they never called.
It was okay. He was there with Austin, Clint and Eric.
Damnit I love you but I really don't like you right now.
I hate to sleep alone. I always have, I used to sleep with my mother or my dogs just because I hated waking up alone and not having someone to hold onto at night.
You came up and slept with me for a while when we went to Iowa, I loved every minute of it. You probably hated it, but you did it for me becuase you knew I loved it. I would always tease you at home about how I didn't need you anymore because I got Conrad.
Conrad and I were talking. We miss you, and we need you.
I saw two puppies today, I cried.
I'm seriously weird. I cry about everything.
Today I left someone a message and accidently said your name.
"Hey Eric It's me love, give me a call." When I hung up, I wanted to die... it would of been easier.
I don't know how long I can keep doing this. But I will, just keep on going I guess. What choice do I really have?
I mean, What is up God?
Honestly... I can't do this alone.
GA was about being alone tonight. I cried... it's like God tells me everything is going to be okay through a TV show.
They were talking about just having someone to sit with... to talk to... to share with... to fight with... and to cry with.
Damn you boy.
Damn me for falling in love with you.
In other news, I took on some responsibility for Trent's church... it was weird but I think it will be okay.
I can't wait for Wed. night service.
I have alot to do tomorrow.
I wish you were here with me.
You're killing me love. You really are.
If you find yourself... here, on my side of town... I pray that you'll come to my door. And talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about... I can't remember anymore.

So nothing seemed to be right today. Nothing.
I felt so out of touch. Like I infected everyone I spoke to. It makes me hate myself. It's hard to smile when all I can think about is how awful I feel.
I spent most of the day just praying that God would bring some joy into my heart... if it was there I was numb to the feeling.
Yesterday Andy Bowman and I had a good conversation... I didn't cry. I felt almost like I was dying though. I've never felt that way before.
We were talking today about how maybe when one person makes you happy for so long, and you loose them... it's impossible to be happy ever again? That our chemical hormones get all jacked up when we loose them and never get back on track. Who knows, it was pretty much a lot of bull shit to me. But it was still pretty depressing.
I feel like I'm on the outside, or maybe I'm the one putting everyone else on the outside.
I'm just so tired of loving you, but no matter how hard I try to stop... it's still really difficult to know that I can't look at you or talk to you without seeing someone I lost. It's dumb and I hate it. But I let myself fall in love with your bullshit. I let myself make sacrifices because I was scared and because I loved you. I was dumb and I still am. Why can't I just let you go?
My shrink thinks it's because we haven't talked and my stupid heart is holding on to all the unspoken glances and all the unanswered questions... all the what ifs and maybes.
She says you never loved me and you probably don't want to talk to me because you feel betrayed and the entire idea of me makes you sick because you can't understand what I did, mostly because you never loved me. She says things probably wouldn't of ended if I didn't tell you. She said that the God thing was bullshit, because anybody can see Christ in my eyes.
Is she right? I don't know. I'm not sure of anything anymore. I used to be sure that you loved me. I used to be sure that if we talked, I could just relax and maybe my heart would just let go. I used to be sure that we'd make our way back to eachother. I used to be sure the we'd be together for a long time. I used to be a lot of things. I used to be innocent. I used to be scared. I used to smile more often. I used to look at you and call you mine in my head. I used to be a good thing for our group of friends. I used to take charge. I used to dance with knowledge. Now I just feel dead.
Because my heart hurts. It's not you, I mean it is... but it's not really about you. My heart just hurts and it sucks the life out of anything and everything. I hate this. I do. I hate this. But I love you and my heart doesn't seem to understand that you are GONE. That you don't love me anymore, that you dont' want anything to do with me, that you never think of me, that you don't miss me, that you wouldn't care if I died, that you look at other girls and think of how to love them and that in the end you just don't WANT to be with me.
Who knows if anything I think is true. But it burns like it's true.
I tell myself that you don't talk to me because it's too tempting.
That you don't talk to me because if you did, you'd have to admitt that you want to need me.
That you would want to hold my hand and make my pain go away.
That you would have to admitt that you were wrong to pretend to stop loving me.
That you would have to talk about what happened and I hurt you too much.
That you love me too much to be with me because you think you can never love me just as much as I love me.
That if you would talk to me you'd want to be with me again.
But what if all those excuses are really just excuses?
What if the real reasons are more like what my heart refuses to believe?
I don't know.
I just wish I did know.
You know?
I don't know and it's killing me.
There are theses moments like when your mom is hugging me and telling me how beautiful I am or how God shines through me and she wishes things were different and I feel joy. I do. I go to Church and I feel this overwhelming joy and I cry because I can feel it... 2 days later I can't feel it anymore and I cry because it's gone.
I can feel the Holy Spirit in me. God is trying to heal my broken heart but my heart is fighting it. I know it is... I can feel it. I can feel the Holy Spirit rip through me every moment because its the only thing that gets me up in the morning.
I'm tired.
I'm so tired.
I wish you would just talk to me. I really do. I wish we could sit down and you could tell me the truth and I could thank you for helping me get closer to my God. And I could ask you:
If you couldn't be with me or you didn't want to be with me?
If you missed me?
What happened between me coming home and us fighting that made you stop loving me?
If you ever loved me?
Is there anybody else?
How you are okay...?
Are you happy?
Have you found that relationship with God you wanted?
And what do you want to do?

But you know, we don't get what we want.
I don't want what I want. What I want is for Eric to look me in the eyes and tell me he loves me and wants to figure this out. But I can't even get what i NEED. Which is just to talk, to hear it to my face and to understand what is going on.
So let's just go to sleep.
Becuase i'm tired.
I just wish you understood what you were doing to me.
I wish someone would just tell you to end my pain.
Because you won't listen to me... you told me you didn't want to hurt me anymore, but you still won't stop hurting me now.

Just hold me.
I just want everything to be okay.
Anything to be okay.
Why and when and how and... I just can't do this anymore.
I can not do this anymore.
i'm not strong enough.

Today was an okay day.
The Berg asked me what happened to Eric and I. I said we broke each others hearts. I thought that was a pretty good answer considering I didn't get much time to think about an answer.
I talked to Jordan, nothing like what I wrote her. Less anger because I'm not angry just hurt, so I hope things turn out. I know they will, they have too.
I'm starting to miss you more, just because I find myself longing for conversations no one else seems to be able to have with me.
I started thinking about Poker games and running my hands through your hair, or times your squeeze me hand when we were at Trents while passing by. Or making out in your car or the cards you gave me. I had a really vibrant flash back of when you called me from Colorado bawling, asking if I missed you.
I missed you then.
I miss you now.
I'm not quiet sure why we are doing this... all I know is that it hurts and I just want to be anywhere but without you right now.
I wish you would just be ready to talk.
It's almost like you think the problem will go away.
I just want you to say everything to my face.
I just want to really know it's all real.
Because I know you loved me.... you wouldn't pray with me, crying in your car for 45 minutes, snot hanging from your nose, hands clasped in mine and my heart around you neck.
I do adore you.

---------
Fun personality tests.
[we took a compatibility test once, you hated me for it for like 2 days but we scored an 91%. Yeah.]

Factor		low score	high score
Gregariousness	54%	quiet, reclusive	engaging, socially bold
Sociability	74%	withdrawn, hidden	warm, open, inviting
Assertiveness	58%	timid, gunshy	controlling, aggressive
Poise	58%	uneasy around others	socially comfortable
Leadership	66%	stays in background	prefers to lead
Provocativeness	58%	modest, plays it safe	bold, uninhibited, cocky
Self-Disclosure	66%	private, contained	very open and revealing
Talkativeness	50%	quiet, stealthy, invisible	motor mouth, loud
Group Attachment	70%	loves solitude	prefers to be with others
Understanding	86%	insensitive, schizoid	respectful, sympathetic
Warmth	82%	disinterested in others	supportive, helpful
Morality	50%	break/ignore the rules	play by the rules
Pleasantness	62%	aloof or disagreeable	gets along with others
Empathy	78%	out of tune w/ others	in tune with others
Cooperation	58%	competitive, warlike	agreeable, peaceful
Sympathy	86%	socially inconsiderate	socially conscious
Tenderness	74%	cold hearted, selfish	warm hearted, selfless
Nurturance	86%	self pleasing, me first	people pleasing, me last
Conscientiousness	54%	reckless, unscheduled	careful, planner
Efficiency	38%	unreliable, lazy	finisher, follows through
Dutifulness	50%	leisurely, derelict	strict, rule abiding
Purposefulness	50%	inattentive, undisciplined	prepared, focused
Organization	50%	relaxed, oblivious	detail oriented, anal
Cautiousness	26%	impulsive, spendthrift	restrained, cautious
Rationality	50%	irrational, random	direct, logical
Perfectionism	30%	careless, error prone	detail obsessed
Planning	42%	disorganized, random	scheduled, clean
Stability	54%	easily frustrated	calm, cool, unphased
Happiness	42%	unhappy, dissatisfied	self content, positive
Calmness	66%	touchy, volatile	even tempered, tolerant
Moderation	50%	needs instant gratification	easily delays gratification
Toughness	62%	hypersensitive, moody	thick skinned
Impulse Control	46%	lacks self control	maintains composure
Imperturbability	10%	highly emotional	emotionally contained
Cool-headedness	62%	demanding, controlling	accommodating
Tranquility	18%	emotionally volatile	emotionally neutral
Intellect	82%	instinctive, non-analytical	intellectual, analytical
Ingenuity	54%	lacks new ideas	innovative, novel
Reflection	74%	unreflective, coarse	art and beauty lover
Competence	62%	slow to understand/think	intellectual, brainy
Quickness	70%	intellectually dependent	intellectually independent
Introspection	38%	not self reflective	self searching
Creativity	66%	dull headed	synthesizer, iconoclast
Imagination	82%	practical, realistic	dreamer, unrealistic
Depth	82%	lacks curiosity	mental explorer

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